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View My Stats From Bath to Cork with Baby Grace :: September :: 2008
Depression & Health, Poetry, Art & ScienceSeptember 29, 2008 4:29 pm

We went to Verdi’s Un Ballo in Maschera (Masked Ball) on Saturday.

It was wonderful and the performance far exceeded my expectations.

I met Padraig (The Wall).  He looked great and so like Pavarotti. I last met him at the performance for Mike Hegarty in about mid 2007: we both performed that night. We also met Marie Broderick who told me all about Friends of Opera 2005.

For the record, in Ballo:

(1) Rabekah Coffey (Oscar) was magnificent

(2) Ceri Williams (Madame Arvidson) was stupendous

(3) Simon Thorpe (Anckarstrom) was great

(4) Cara O’Sullivan (Amelia) was excellent

(5) Jeff Stewart (Gustavus), the tenor, had a cold, probably shouldn’t have sung because his voice gave out in the last act.

(6) The woodwind sounded very good.

I hadn’t heard of Opera 2005, so I’m thrilled to discover that it’s possible to find brilliant opera in Cork.

If there is anyone near Limerick reading this, beg, borrow or steal a ticket for tomorrow evening at the Concert Hall.  For the first time, Opera 2005 performs in Limerick, and I wish I could be there to review it for the Limerick Leader, as I did for Wagner’s Ring years ago.

Poetry, Art & Science, Children, Photography & Travel 9:25 am

While Grace was playing near the teahouse, I was playing by the water…

Depression & Health, Work & Play, Children, Gardening, Photography & Travel 9:01 am

99% perspiration, 1% inspiration -

of how many things can this be said?

As I dug out the last of the soil, and wheeled it in the new barrow, I was dripping.  Sure sign that I’m out of practice. It felt great to have imagined a task and completed it over two days of a fine weekend. Adrenalin satisfaction.

 

I got the airer up too, after taking it back to B&Q to have it explained to me: I couldn’t get it to work. An excellent man Neil did the trick.

 

Bit of a makeshift job eh!  Skirting board jammed in to keep it vertical.  I now know I need a crowbar job: I met Pat, one of the neighbours while I was out looking for a heavy hammer; he told me he’d tried hammering his airer support yoke into the ground and hit hardcore. He got one of the builders to sort the problem with a crowbar. I went out looking for one thing and came home with something much more valuable- a new friend and excellent advice.

Grace helped too.

 

I do hope I’ve done the right thing piling all that soil up against the back wall.  I’m thinking that I’ll need it for the flowerbeds I’m going to make.

While I was working and letting the mind wander around the question of how my mother is, a new thought came to me: was Jesus depressed?  Did Jesus Christ suffer from depression? Strange what can happen when you are hard at work perspiring…

PoliticsSeptember 28, 2008 12:05 pm

I admire J L Pagano for his polemics:

(1)  The USA election

(2) The Irish ‘Health’ system

Depression & Health, Work & Play, Blogging & Media, Gardening, Photography & TravelSeptember 27, 2008 12:13 pm

I cut turf today for the first time in this Glanmire house, in a north-east suburb of Cork, Ireland.

So what’s new…

Given that I’ve lived here for almost exactly a year, this is a remarkable morning.  Not only the 7th fine morning in a row, but a Saturday when I’m in the company of my little family.  I began with the effort to hammer in a piece of metal into the grass in order to put up something for hanging out the washing. (There are many domestic technical terms that I can’t remember or have never known, so I may resort to calling things ‘yokes’.)


 

The start of the work…

I used a hammer that was designed for knocking in nails.  A piece of left-over skirting board on top and I was in action.  The Wiffe and Grace held the fixture upright as I hit down into the soft wood. The risk of splinters made me ask Grace to pull back and shut her eyes.  After a few blows, Grace wanted to do it, so I gave her the hammer and she got on with being Bobbie the Builder. She loves working, washing windows, mopping floors. I wonder how to encourage this habit while making progress with such tasks?

 

I need a sledgehammer.  I thought to walk up to one of our neighbours for a bit of mithel (sharing of equipment in rural Ireland so as to achieve such necessities as cutting and stacking the hay). When I saw the woman of the house in her pajamas, I didn’t have the heart or cheek to ring the bell.

So that task remains unfinished.

The vision…  the soil…

The gardening job I’ve set my eyes on doing is the laying of gravel on the thin strip of useless ground that lies along the side of our house. 

No light gets in there.  It’s a mudtrap. Some of the neighbours have graveled their’s in good looking stone chips. Yesterday I bought a spade.

This morning I’ve started skimming off the surface soil.  But I don’t know how deep to go, so I think I’ll take a ruler to one of the houses that’s still unoccupied and measure how the job’s been done by an expert.

Damp and not too heavy is how I’d describe the soil. 

I’ve put it in a pile intending to reuse it in the flowerbed I imagine myself building later.


 

What’s going on around me…

I find myself imagining myself at work in the garden, cutting, fertilising, planting, supporting, designing… I woke wanting to go swimming  for exercise but I’ve found the soil ‘removaling’ just as satisfying. I had to break off because Grace was having her hair washed and combed, and first cut (another story).  I was called in to distract her with a story, while the Wiffe brushed out the knots.

The job’s unfinished, like one of those many books I have on the go.  And I’ve decided I’m going to write a weekly blog post charting my progress as a gardener.  My only claim to fame in this respect is that I once designed, built, planted and maintained a rockery on Gayhurst Road, London Fields, Hackney, England.  That was about 1984.  Last year I bought a bag of dafodil bulbs and left them in the shed until they’d sprouted shoots and got thrown out.  I imagined a long wall with magnificent yellow flowers in spring.  And that was all I had the energy and motivation to do.

Photographs of progress in the garden and in me …

Now I feel I have a project which will exercise me.  I’ll photograph progress and show it here.  Remembering that any activity, however small, involves energy, motivation, thought and potentially satisfying feelings.  I’m not setting out to change the world, but I am going to change the world (says he, thinking of that butterfly that underpins chaos theory).

I could do with advice…

I would be very grateful for your advice and inspiration.  Anything that comes to you would be a welcome surprise.

Poetry, Art & Science, Photography & TravelSeptember 26, 2008 8:38 pm

On Wednesday, I took my cousin Attie and his wife Gerry to Kinsale.  They live in Brisbane.

We had a wonderful lunch in Fishy Fishy, which must be one of the best fish restaurants in Ireland.  We followed that by a cruise around the harbour.  I was fascinated by colours on the water.

 

The boat had a visitors’ book.  I wrote

A sea so fair, a sky so blue

A wave to you without a care

A day in sun, a sail in breeze

Forever seize, forever fun.

 

 

 

Blogging & Media 9:03 am

Is there anyone out there, around Cork or Limerick, who’s about to throw out a perfectly usable lawnmower? 

My Flymo is past its last legs and I’m in need of a replacement.

There might well be someone about to upgrade their model, wondering what to do with their old one?

I’m entrusting myself to the universe.

Depression & Health, Poetry, Art & Science, Children, Blogging & MediaSeptember 25, 2008 5:34 pm

For as long as I can remember music has been important to me.

I suppose if I think back to the age when I tuned into "The Clithero Kid", "The Navy Lark", "Mrs Dale’s Diary" & "Around the Horn", I might say music wasn’t vital to me then.  But I remember enjoying "Two Way Family Favorites", and I can’t have been older than ten then.  I remember "Stranger on the Shore" by Acker Bilk as the first record I ever owned. And, from "The Young Ones" (Cliff Richards) on, I was addicted to the Top Twenty show by Alan Freeman.

Radio Luxemburg under the bedclothes on a small transistor…  Radio Caroline too… Johnnie Walker… and, most influential of all, Radio London.  I remember the excitement I felt when I found that station on the radiogram in the drawing room.  Picking up such a ‘cutting-edge’ station, which seemed to have a hit parade chart all of its own (about four weeks ahead of the official Radio Luxemburg one), was wonderful. I think I rushed into school to brag to Bill Whelan and John Cosgrove (both classmates and great friends) about it.  We three formed a triumvirate of cognoscenti: I certainly felt we three were ahead of the posse in Limerick.

I was greatly influenced by Bill Whelan whom I associate with the Beachboys, Sergio Mendez, Frank Zappa.  But we three went hard at it critiquing the exciting trends that flourished throughout those Beatlesyears. I wasn’t a Rolling Stones head, but I did rate them. I was on the side of John, Paul, George, & Ringo. 

I kept a book in which I recorded the progress of records through the charts and I could say things like "Pretty Flamingo" came in at 14, went to 6, 2, 1,1,1, 3, 9 & 16.  That must have been the only systematic recording keeping I’ve ever done.  I was no good at stamp collecting.

One week I owned 19 of the Top20.  My mother had been rash enough to encourage a saving habit by promising to match anything I saved with an equal amount.  I got stuck into gardening, cutting grass for money and growing bulbs which I’d sell to her.  That’s how I accumulated a big collection of 45s and went on to LPs too.  

Meanwhile Whelan built a recording studio in his house and got into 8-track, and maybe 12-track, recordings.  He was a musician.  I was someone who could talk about music, and listen like mad, but not reproduce a decent note by any means. I suppose I wasn’t bad at remembering the lyrics too but Whelan and Cosgrave were in a different league.  The important thing for me was the passion.

The reason I’m writing this now

is that I’ve been listening to John Kelly Ensemble on Lyric FM. What an excellent putter-together of music he is.  I imagine anyone serious about music in Ireland knows of John Kelly and rates him.  It’s only been a few days since I started to rate him.  Since the depression has lifted, I’ve been listening to Lyric FM.  Listening to classical music again, Jazz too and sounds that I wouldn’t know how to classify. I’m able to love music again.

I wasn’t able to listen while I was depressed: I got no pleasure from it. I listened to talking heads instead: lots of Newstalk and RTE1.  I was too agitated to relax into the music, and anything with a strong rhythm and beat bothered me too much.  A couple of days after the depression began to leave me I began to enjoy music again.

And the great news is that

I’ve booked to see an opera this coming Saturday. Verdi’s "Ballo…" and it’s over a year since I’ve been to live opera.  That’s the longest gap since I fell head over heals in love with opera in 1975, the longest period of abstinence from opera in 33 years.  Wow.

You see I became an opera-nut, such a lover of it that I hadn’t time to listen to any other type of music.  I specialised in one form of music and confined my attentions to that for perhaps 20 years.  Gradually, after leaving London, there were longer gaps between operas.  While I was a bus conductor 1975-8, I used to go to live opera three, even four times a week when I was on early shift.  I was just as obsessive as any lover.  I once met a man who’s was seeing his 102nd "Madame Butterfly" and who told me he was married to a woman who’d only seen five operas in her life and those were mainly poor performances. So I felt fairly normal in my obsession.

The good thing is that I never denied that there were other brilliant forms of music.  So, as it became harder and harder to make it to live performances at Covent Garden & English National Opera, I broadened my tastebuds and became a more catholic listener.  I still wish I could sing. And haven’t found it helpful to be told that ‘everyone can sing… you only need to practice…’

I sort of looked down on John Kelly as a DJ

when I first came back to Ireland.  I wasn’t much interested in the chat.  But I’ve just realised how good he is at putting together a series of music from many different influences.  Now I find my musical sensitivities being educated by JK. I must set up this office so that I can listen to his show while I work at other stuff.  I think I could write while he plays.

Enough.  I’ve broken every resolution I ever made about short posts. (Sorry David…)  But I needed to own up to what’s been going on. 

Depression & Health, Poetry, Art & ScienceSeptember 24, 2008 10:53 am

I have a booklet by that name.

My good friend Garry, who kept in touch with me all through the depression, and who was never put off by the many times I didn’t reply to his texts, gave it to me.  Part of the Guardian and Observer’s seven-day How to Write series (free this week) it has a Checklist by Simon Armitage (a very good poet).

He calls it a "Poetry Testing Kit" - something to use after you’ve written a poem to see whether it is good enough.  10 Tests.

The Test of Nerves:

This was first to grab my attention. 

"Somebody once said that a poem shouldn’t just tell you not to play with matches, it should burn your fingers. In other words, does the poem create a sensation, rather than simply an understanding?"

I’m going to use this test in future.

Poetry, Art & Science, Children, Blogging & MediaSeptember 23, 2008 6:00 pm

After being blinded on the road from Ennisdymon to Lahinch

“I see the sea”

“No, I see the sea”

“I see the sea.”

Golden blinding ocean
You force my eyes away
You suck my wonder back

“and the sea sees me…”

“We see the sea,”

And we are home
Come to sand
Come to salt
Come to wave and foam
Castles in the tide
Undercurrents
Cobblers and crab
Periwinkles and heat
The seen sea in unseen pulse
A sun going down
Gloriously
Horizonsong
The melody belongs
I see the sea
We see the sea
And we are home again.

Blogging & Media 4:18 pm

The brother phoned to say that he couldn’t get on.  At my end all looked perfect.  Only when I went on Adrian’s machine could I see that the blog has lost its legs.

I’m posting this in the hope that the blight has affected only one post.

Poetry, Art & Science, Blogging & MediaSeptember 22, 2008 9:14 am

Tis Monday.  Tis days since my last confession, days since I blogged…

I’m conscious that anyone who realised I’d posted again probably expected it was another flash in the pan.  How many times did I promise to resume blogging, did I intend, did I vow..? Why would anyone expect more than another disappointed expectation.

I’ve been away…

Twas Wednesday when I set off for Ballyvaughan, Co Clare. I went because I could: I felt well enough to go, well enough to be there for the opening of my sister Deirdre’s exhibition. That’s what I thought I was going to.  I’d skimmed the invitation which came via email and, as far as I was concerned, this was one opening I was going to be present for.  How many have I missed?

Twasn’t an exhibition at all.  Clare Arts Office were launching a book and DVD.

"Ground Up, an experimental programme of contemporary art in the rural public realm that took place between 2003-2007; twenty two artists, two publications, a series of public events and eleven temprary public artworks."

The launch was at the Burren College of Art, Ballyvaughan.  There’s another launch in Dublin on Friday 26 September.  One rural, one urban…

And that was the theme of the inspired, and inspiring, speech by John Tunney: he performed a poem by his dad (famous Irish traditional singer) "The day I scored the winning goal"; he spoke about the compromise modern artists need to make in order to get into communication with people living in a rural context; he described how much easier it was to find a place for communal music making in Dublin than in rural Ireland.  The word ‘community’ came up many times.

And as I listened I was dwelling on my own sense of community, and how it had been dead for so long. A year is a long time.  A year of feeling communityless is a lot of wilderness.  The phrase ‘loss of community’ is as good as any pithy phrase to describe the malaise of depression I’ve experienced. 

A spiritual vacuum too.  I sat there using John Tunney’s performance to help me back to health.  The issues that contemporary artists face when confronted with a context that does not share their set of assumptions…  the issues I faced when confronted with a severing of the bonds that glued me to family, friends and associates…

I haven’t yet been able to think through why I found the evening helpful.  But the word ‘community’, and the work involved in creating & sustaining such an experience, seemed incredibly relevant to me and my time & space.  Incredibly vital for my spirit.  The more I think about it, the more I experience myself on a journey that travels inwards and outward at the same time, an omnidimentional sensation.

I have a lot of pieces to pick up, many spare parts in needs of oil and bonding.  I have a way to go.  I can’t recover the year of being lost but I can use it to heighten my awareness of how important every minute of health is.

Ground Up:

The book is an artwork - a lovely piece in its own right, well worth having and cherishing, an education, a tool for exploring your sense of self…

The urban launch will be on Friday 26 September:  The Atrium, Temple Bar Gallery and Studios, Dublin @ 1830.  Jenny Haughton, public arts consultant for the Arts Council of Ireland will launch it. I recommend you be there.

Credits:

Artists: 

Vladimir Arkhipov* Amanda Dunsmore* Maria Finucane* Paul Forder* Patricia Hurl* Tamas Kaszas* Maria Kerin*Aileen Lambert* John Langan* Fiona O’ Dwyer* Deirdre O’ Mahony* Aine Phillips* Therry Rudin* Sean Taylor* Vince Wall* Fiona Woods

Essays; Maja and Reuben Fowkes* Matthew Lennon* Siobhan Mulcahy* Alan Phelan* Fiona Woods


 

Edited by Fiona Woods. 
 

Includes DVD featuring the documentary Ground Up by film-maker Fergus Tighe, artist works Art Flight by Sean Taylor, Mr. and Mrs. Krab’s Utopia  by Amanda Dunsmore, Projection from Immature Fluke by Vince Wall and Clog an Chlair (soundwork) by Aileen Lambert.



Depression & Health, Poetry, Art & Science, Work & Play, Blogging & MediaSeptember 17, 2008 11:17 am

at least…

It’s been at least that long since I’ve been in touch with the world in such a way that I felt connected. I’ve made a couple of efforts to stay in touch on this blog but have almost immediately gone back into silence…

Since Friday last, I’ve felt myself turning the corner and felt myself growing in touch again.  I am sorry that I went away and stayed cut off. I feel like apologising to all the kind and generous bloggers who have sent me good wishes.  I apologise and vow to be better in future.

My son Ben encouraged me to write, and then encouraged me again after I’d ground to a halt.  This is some of what come out and I thank him for his promptings.  It means a lot to me. It’s a start.


I dwelth in dark

I dwelt in dark

secure from light

prisoned in a cell

of my own making.

Almost proud I constructed

a place fit for a dying man,

almost welcoming the hand

that held nothing firm

in its grip,

almost secure in my own

insecurity.

Almost, but not quite wed

to not being here,

even thought I’d cut

all the strings that held

me on to a life shared

with others.

I almost willed my self

to stay apart until the end

would come and I would find

relief in a well of nothingness,

a cell of isolation.

But it was never more

than ‘almost’ and ‘almost’

is not an entire victory.

The return always remained

beckoning,  even when

I could find no trace

of will to come back

together,  to regather pieces,

splinters of body and soul, the fragments

of my spirit.  I never lost

complete contact

with the way.  So today

I greet you as another

moving staircase

on which I stand and flex

muscles I need to move

forwards, backwards, standing

still in celebration of energy

that survived to thrive again.

I stand up and sing a melody

drawn from deepest source.

I waver in wind

and joy at motion

within and without.

I can reach out again

and touch the feathers,

the tickling wisps of life

that fibrillate and promise

there will be a smile

growing and nurturing my spirit.

So I greet you

loving stranger come back

from your long expedition,

fresh from your adventure into hell.

I hug you and together we warm

again.  Piece by piece,

building block on block.

I hold you all, even your trepidations,

dear and loved, I need you all

And I am ready to sing a song

of self forgiveness,

a melody of recovery.

 

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